15 Things You Need To Know About Swinging
15 Things You Need To Know About Swinging! In today’s post, I’m going to share with you some juicy swinger secrets that I have discovered over the years! In 15 Things You Need To Know About Swinging, we will be discussing the icky, sticky, awkwardness that comes with couple swapping, as well as the enthusiasts, the creeps and the downright weirdos! So, shall we begin?
You Can’t Pre-empt How People Will React
When I have opened up about my swinger lifestyle, I have been met with a variety of reactions. Surprise, curiosity, slight disgust, (I’m sure they were being polite and were a lot more disgusted than they let on) nonchalance and a few high fives.
I’ve been called ‘an animal’ I’ve had people say ‘I always suspected something about you, car keys in bowl eh?’ and my favourite response, which came from an ex-boyfriend, ‘I want you, Lots. Let’s be filthy together.’
Most of my vanilla friends aren’t aware of my swinger tendencies.
Only three of my closest friends are aware of this blog and follow me on Instagram.
When I have been on dates in the past, I have always told my potential suitors of my involvement in the lifestyle, albeit cautiously. Some guys don’t get it, some girls don’t get it, and that’s fine, I don’t expect them to. If you feel comfortable about opening up to others, then do it. You can’t expect people not to judge; however, their reaction may also surprise you.
A Swinger Relationship Isn’t Perfect
All relationships have ups, downs, arguments, love and lust, all in equal measure. Swingers still argue. We bicker, we have off days, and we have times when our partner is driving us mad!
One event I attended there was a lady sporting nipple tassels and a thong, right from the get-go
During any relationship, you will face battles and triumphs. Children may come along; you may buy a larger house, change your career, overcome an illness or lose your job. It is the fact that you deal with these situations as a team that is important, not the issue itself. Swinger relationships aren’t perfect, but as swingers, you’re probably quite good at communicating with one another.
A successful swinger couple pulls together and faces life side by side because their emotional bonds run deep. If you apply the same rock-solid mindset to all areas of your life, ‘his’ and ‘hers’ becomes ‘ours’. And any obstacles you face, you face them together.
Swinging Can Generate Some Pretty Awkward Conversations
In one of my previous posts, how to swing with a couple, I touch on having a conversation about orgasming. As in where. This particular conversation needs to happen! Even if you are discussing it within your relationship, you need to establish where you are comfortable letting another person orgasm. This type of pre-planning may seem a little formal, but it’s one of those questions that does need discussing. You may feel uncomfortable talking about it with another couple, but in the moment, you need to be conscious of where that stuffs going to land!
Even when using condoms, some people are still not comfortable with it happening inside them, or on them, for that matter.
When discussing with fellow swingers, you must establish where it is ok, and where it is not.
This advice isn’t just for men either. One particular lady I once played with squirted all over me; I was not thrilled. In a private setting, perhaps I wouldn’t of minded, but this was in a club, and it was extremely messy!
Yes, it’s cringy, no you don’t want to sound like a killjoy, but you must establish where it is cool to come! I learnt the hard way. Please don’t make my mistake!
There Are Swinger Cliques
When I first started attending swingers clubs, I was told how inclusive the people who visited were and how welcoming they would be to newbies. You can imagine my surprise when, in reality, I found a large number of attendees to be extremely cliquey. Initially, this was off-putting, but once the cliquey swingers had all met and slunk off to the private playrooms, the atmosphere in the lounge became a lot more relaxed as the cliques no longer dominated the room. I wouldn’t recommend joining in with a circle as chances are they will consist of seasoned swingers who have been playing together for a very long time. Any quality club will have lots of great people in attendance for you to play with, so leave the cliques to it!
There Are Enthusiasts
As with any hobby or interest you possess, there will always be enthusiasts. The people who have all the right gear and what they lack in the expertise they make up for in passion! Swinging is no exception, and some swingers are very serious, indeed. One event I attended there was a lady sporting nipple tassels and a thong, right from the get-go. As many couples were arriving at the sedate time of 9 pm, she was proudly strutting her stuff!
How Common Is Swinging?
Very often, when we talk about swinging and the lifestyle, we refer to couples and make the presumption that these couples consist of a man and woman and that sometimes the woman identifies as bisexual. Over the years, I have discovered more and more bisexual men are getting involved, and as the world becomes a more inclusive place, swinging is a healthy outlet for their bisexual desires. I have swung with single girls, single bisexual men, bisexual couples, same-sex couples and lots of variants! Some people are transgender, polyamorous, or in open relationships. The majority of swingers are not in the slightest bit judgmental as to who you like to do and how!
Are BDSM and Swinging The Same?
You don’t have to embrace the dynamics of a BDSM relationship to participate in swinging. Some couples enjoy BDSM but not swinging; others enjoy sex and swinging without the BDSM. Some couples merge their two passions a regular amount, and some couples live 24/7 as BDSM swingers.
Sadly, some women I have spoken to presume that because I’m a swinger, I’ll have sex with anyone at any point, or that I am looking to steal their husband
The same goes for single swingers. Not all single women are looking to be dominated, (sorry guys) and some single guys don’t get down with being submissive! Many clubs merge the two by giving party goers access to dungeons, shackles and all manner of restraints, but if that’s not your thing, that’s cool too!
Does Swinging Lead To Jealousy?
I include myself in this! Even though I really don’t want to! Jealousy is all part and parcel of life; we get jealous, we get insecure, and then we add swinging into the mix! Once I understood possessiveness, and the reasons we react to certain situations with envy, I was able to put most of my insecure emotions to bed. These days I’m pretty much envy-free, and if I do feel those emotions returning, I stop, I rationalise my thought process and understand why I felt that way. I will never be jealousy free, as a human I don’t believe I can be, but I can understand it, embrace it, and move on! Jealousy doesn’t have to be a passion killer.
It is helpful if you discuss your jealous feelings with your partner, honestly and openly. If not, you may find the same niggling thought becoming ever-present in your relationship. Find out how to combat that green-eyed monster and deal with swinging and jealousy.
Swingers Are Not Nymphomaniacs
A nymphomaniac is defined as a woman with excessive or uncontrollable sexual desire.
Are female swingers nymphomaniacs? No!
Am I a nymphomaniac? No!
Is there a misconception that female swingers have an unquenchable lust for cock? Yes!
Do we? No, well, some of us might, but on the whole, no. So, why is it then that I get sent dick pic after dick pic? With accompanying messages that read like this:
‘hey, baby. Do you want cock? I wanna fill you.’
No, boys, no! This approach may work with some ladies, but I’m afraid it doesn’t get me feeling hot! I don’t jump to my knees in a frenzy, unable to control myself.
It’s not just men who make that assumption either, some women I have spoken to presume that because I’m a swinger, I’ll have sex with anyone at any point, or that I am looking to steal their husbands! I’m just a regular woman who enjoys sex, with select people in many different ways.
Is Swinging The Answer To Relationship Problems?
Swinging won’t solve all your relationship problems. If either one of you wants to cheat, you will
The short answer is no. If it were everyone would be doing it, and relationship therapists would be out of a job! Swinging does, however, provide a realistic solution to the unrealistic expectations of monogamy! As humans, we put ourselves under vast amounts of pressure to adhere to social norms and values. I would never ask my man to not look at another woman, or never flirt with a good looking girl. He’s going to do it anyway, so I might as well just accept it! I can’t turn off my bisexuality, I’ve tried, and you know what, it didn’t make me happy!
So what should I do? Repress it and never want to have sex with another woman again? This would cause me a huge problem and put pressure on my man as there’s no way he could fulfil that desire. I mean, he’s good, but he’s not that good- he doesn’t have a vagina! Some couples do this, and sooner or later, one cheats on the other one; whether you’re a bisexual guy who enjoys sex with men or a straight woman who also wants sex with men, we all have desires and needs!
Swinging won’t solve all your relationship problems. If either one of you wants to cheat, you will, but what it will do, is provide you with a healthy and sustainable outlet for your desires as human beings while remaining within a couple.
Swinging Can Be Messy
When I attend a party, I always take with me wet wipes, antibacterial hand gel, tissues and some body spray. Sex is messy at the best of times, and usually, if it’s wet and juicy, that means your doing it right!
When you add a few other bodies to the mix, it gets messier quicker. You can minimalise the mess as best you can, but it’s better just to be prepared.
Are Swinger Couples Creepy?
Luckily, there haven’t been many occasions that I’ve encountered creepy couples, but the ones I have, have been completely bonkers! You will always get creepy people; in vanilla life and ordinary life. Men and women, couples and singles can all freak you out, and when you are chatting with others online, you do encounter some pretty fruity characters.
The worst person was a lady I was talking to. It all seemed to be going well. Likes dislikes, sexy chat, all in the mood etc…then boom! Straight out of nowhere she asked me ‘can I cut your clit off?’ Uh, let me think about that for a minute! NO!
How Old Are Swingers?
We aren’t all nymphomaniacs desperate to jump into bed!
Over the last few years, I have seen a rise in younger swingers getting in on the lifestyle. Couples in their twenties and thirties are attending clubs, arranging parties and exploring the scene. Sure, it is still dominated by older couples, but these couples are very often experienced and secure swingers. I’ve played with couples my own age, (no I’m not about to disclose it!) as well as couples older than me. I think you may be pleasantly surprised by what you can discover! I enjoy talking about and discussing sex with people of all ages. You can learn a lot!
Swingers Are Sociable
Recently we met up with some fellow swingers for a good old fashioned dinner date! We had a lengthy discussion about swinging, sex, marriage, coming out as bisexual and everything else fun in between! Talking with other fellow swingers and being able to relate to one another was great! See, we aren’t all nymphomaniacs desperate to jump into bed!
Are Swinger Parties Expensive?
It depends on which party you attend, but the more exclusive and London based ones do tend to cost; if you are attending a party as a couple, you can expect to pay around £100 for a ticket to a prime night party. This entrance fee, along with a membership fee to the club, plus alcohol, plus a cab or hotel, will soon have you racking up a few hundred pounds. If you attend a club as a single girl, you can expect to pay a lot less, and as a single guy, (if they let you in at all) you will have to pay a lot more! Be prepared; upmarket events don’t come cheap! By all means, you can arrange smaller parties or attend private meets where there is no entrance fee, but if it’s a high-end experience you are after, then expect to pay high-end prices!
Swingers Are A Very Non-Judgmental Bunch
I have always had a fear of running into someone from my vanilla life at a swingers event. I figured that I’d be so embarrassed about seeing them there, and them seeing me, that I wouldn’t be able to talk to them. But, if I was there, and they were there, then surely we were all there for the same thing so ultimately neither of us could say shit!
I haven’t really experienced any judgmental behaviour from swingers, and, if they have judged me, then I either haven’t noticed or haven’t cared enough to give their opinions a second thought!
In Conclusion- Swinger Stereotypes
When we think about swinging, it’s hard not to stereotype individuals who we believe fit the brief. Perhaps we imagine an older couple, whose kids are no longer at home, who exchange more than just pleasantries with their friends. A couple who enjoy a drink and who are happy to engage in soft swap or full swap with their like-minded middle-aged swinger friends? Yes, these types of couples do exist and actively engage in ethical non-monogamous sex.
But you also get single women who are sex-positive and enjoy sleeping with and having intimate friendships with other women. They want to explore and enjoy being part of a community that makes them feel safe and ‘normal’ for wanting to swing with multiple partners.
I do hope this post has shed some light on common misconceptions and urban myths surrounding swinging, rules, BDSM, couples and alternative lifestyles! I have enjoyed writing this post, and I hope you have enjoyed reading it! I also realise that I’ve actually written 16 Things You Need To Know About Swinging, but hey, I’m a giver!